This post is liable to be extremely rambly as it’s essentially just a brain dump of all the things that I’ve been feeling recently, so sorry in advance if it doesn’t make too much sense.
For the past few months, I haven’t really felt myself. I’ve been so anxious and nervous and the truth is I’m not entirely sure why; my life has actually been amazing (not in a show-off way, just in a way that makes me feel ungrateful for feeling the way that I do.)
I’ve had amazing travelling opportunities already this year; Budapest and London, and then we’ve booked to go to Venice in July. I got a new job in February which I’m really enjoying. I’ve also been working more on my blog as it’s really giving me a creative outlet, something which I’ve never really had before. And then of course there’s Matt, who’s just the most amazing and supportive person in the whole world.
And yet, there’s still something in me that thinks sad thoughts and anxious thoughts and I can’t decipher why. I recently started taking tablets for my anxiety but if I’m 100% honest, they don’t seem to be doing anything. I don’t know if I’m on the wrong ones or whether I need a higher dosage – I’m not sure.
I’m also not sure what’s causing me to feel like this. Overall, I’m remarkably happy with my life – potentially too happy. And maybe that’s the cause of my anxiety; that I feel like I’m too lucky and happy that it might not last?
How insane is that? That I’m anxious because I’m scared of being too happy.
It’s the most ridiculous thing and I feel perpetually guilty for feeling like this because it just seems like I’m ungratfeul, and I’m so fed up of feeling like this. I don’t want Matt to have to hold me when I’m crying for no reason and I don’t want my parents to worry about me. Because the truth is – nothing is actually wrong.
So why do I feel like this? I’m not even entirely sure of the point of this post, I just felt like I needed to write it all out. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt this year, it’s that the blogging community is the most amazing, inclusive place in the world.
And that’s why I wanted to share this with you; not to make you feel sorry for me, but to just feel like I’m not the only one who feels like a total melonhead.
I hope this wasn’t too painful to read and I’m sorry that it was so rambly. I will try to post more ‘normal’ content soon, although writing this post really did feel very therapeutic, so who knows? Maybe you’ll see more of these ‘brain dump’ posts over on this little corner of the Internet.
Do you ever feel like I do? Or am I just being completely insane haha? Let me know in the comments or on Twitter @imjustagirl_16.